All the Parody of Beached Whales

The Pioneer Press comes free to our break/lunch room at work. The CNC operator, point-to-point saw operator and most everyone else has the good sense to read only the sports page. My burden was not light, as I waded into this commentary by Kathleen Parker. "Jane's Magical Mystery Tour" (Yes, that Jane. Whose face graces the warm shallows of many a military post's urinal.) These traditional newspapers columns with their postage-stamp-sized floating head picture are just so many beached whales. Once a week they swim into the shallows to die. They flounder and flap on arrival:

"Like millions of Americans, I heaved a sigh of relief upon reading that Jane Fonda finally is going to speak out against the war in Iraq. Where has she been?"

I heaved too. She's been where she belongs, at the bottom of urinals.

"On a book tour promoting her autobiography-in-progress, My Life So Far."

Maybe Jane can join up with Cher and The Eagles for annual goodbye tours. The Kohler toilet people could sponsor.

"Fonda says... she's decided to break her silence. 'I've decided I'm coming out.' "

She'd taken a vow of silence? Who knew? And such stentorian rhetoric, "coming out". Will there be white smoke or black?

"...her newest foray into anti-war territory feels like a cartoonish parody of her former self."

Same self, former self, and all future selves, feels, looks, sounds, tastes and smells.

"Fonda is mum on details but promises 'it's going to be pretty exciting.' "

It will not be exciting and certainly won't be pretty. A word Kathleen, and Jane: logistics.
As in, who will be providing security? Or will Jane be her own human shield? She could try painting the bus blue and bring along lots of Save the Whales banners.

For all the drama or was it parody, I could not tell from Kathleen Parker's writing, she's thrashing about in the sand. "Ending the war is surely the goal of any sane person, but what precisely would Jane Fonda and other against the war have us do?" What precisely we must do is win. There is no against. Against means being for death in the sand. If we do not absolutely smash the terrorists and their ideology, they will take their exploding buses the American tour. Fueled not with vegetable oil, but murder and blood.