Monday, January 30, 2006

The Great Truce: Movies for OBL

OBL, now that your sidekick Zawahiri, he-of-the-lineage-of-Mengele, has thrust his vile face onto the Al Jazeera Killer's News Network, let's chat about that truce again, shall we?

OBL, for this truce to please ALL-AH, (all Americans here), we need a gesture of your good intentions. What's that? We won't play by the rules, you're staying in the cave? Au contraire fuzzy face, you of vile demeanor and failing kidney, there are rules in a knife fight. There is Rule 303. No, not the Koran, Breaker Morant... In 1980... by the Australians! The people you infuriated with the Bali Bombings. Edward Woodward, Breaker Morant tells the court how they dealt with the Boer insurgents, er rebels, eum militants, ah Al queda figures, ...ur Jihadists..What do you two call yourselves now?
"No; it was not quite so handsome. As to rules and regulations, we had no Red Book, and knew nothing about them. We were out fighting the Boers, not sitting comfortably behind barb-wire entanglements; we caught them and shot them under Rule 303."

Ooo...sorry. Gives you a twitch of unease in the old failing kidney does it, talk like that? It's only a movie. Besides, you never hear the one that gets you. What's that squiggley phrase, Inshallah? Does Inshallah allow for Predators and Hellfires, or the other way around? Inshallah means God's will doesn't it? Blown to smithereens! Smithers! Release the predators!! Inshallah! Rule 303!!

And we want penance. Yes, I've heard you want to rebuild Afghanistan. You best leave that to the Afghans. However, if you really want to help, try putting an ad on Craigslist. something like this: " Repentant former mass murderer, (uh, you are repentant, aren't you. This only works if you are penitent. All that fishglue about glorious Jihad, and the porno-spam about the virgins, that's got to be jettisoned in a New York minute. Oh! Good sign!! You looked down at your sandals when I said 'New York' Did your stomach flutter and your palms get sweaty.? That might be the Real Osama, the inner Osama poking about in there.) ...Repentant former mass murder, religious autocrat, fanantical theocrat, bigamist, inciter of violence and murder- (this is part of the repentance Bin, making amends to everyone you've hurt,) seeks talented stonecutters, stone carvers, toolmakers and associated tradesmen for massive restoration project. Be a part of the healing of Afghanistan, help restore the Bamiyan Buddhas. (Photos here.)

If you want to rebuild, fix first what took longest to build.

We also require an apology. Have you heard the William Wallace apologia? Here it is in the original Scottish:

" Lower your flags and march straight back to England, stopping at every home to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape, and murder. Do this and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today. "

Where it says flags, just lose the face masks and the turbans, all right. And the black banners? That is so-o-o 1968. Where it says England, add America, Italy, Germany, Australia, Israel, Indonesia, Thailand, Iraq, Saudi Arabi, Lebanon, Russia, Spain, Egypt, Syria, Somlia, Tunisia, Turkey, Jordan,Tanzania, Kenya ...have I forgotten anyone?

We call it a twofer, OBL. You attone for everything, then we talk about a book deal. Oh no, there's always a book deal. I even have a working title, Smithereens, My Life in a Million little Pieces. Inshallah!

Well, no I don't expect you to like this!! Truces is as truces does. I merely want a truce in the currency you understand. We will truce you in the alleys and villages of Iraq, in the high peaks of Afghanistan and Pakistan, the jungles of the Phillipines and Columbia, in the air over the sands of the desert, do you expect us to surrender? And you claim to understand Americans. Even though our squabbling domestic politicos, the scandalous, scurrilous press, the marchers and moms, football, fanfare and Hollywood fools, college student American idol worshippers and all other what nots seem weakness and failure, "In the main, our hearts are in the trim."

So here's the coda of my truce for you OBL, a grief imperiled rendition from The Princess Bride:

"We were the first to fight back. We killed your pals with hot water, bravado and cell phones. They died like pigs. We went down as Americans. Do you really suppose those who remember us will agree to a truce on any terms with such as you? "

"We worked at the Pentagon. You killed us. We have many friends who have not forgotten. They are looking for you. They will not stop until you are ground to powder. "

The Chorus of the Three Thousand:

"My name is Aimee Kondratenko, and you killed my sister. Prepare to die!"

"My name is Laura Desperito, and you killed my husband. Prepare to die!"

"My name is Sgt. Anthony Roman, and you killed my mother. Prepare to die!"

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