Amanpour Raw & Unedited

What’s next for CNN, a report of which drill bits work best for torture?

Amanpour: “Tell us how you choose which bits to use.”

Heartless torturer: “Um, we find that forstner bits and spade bits have too much ‘flesh grab’ to make truly effective holes, although we like the little points on the tips. We’ve had some early victories on eyeballs, but decided no one would air those videos. Electrician’s long shank,auger bits however, work really well on ankles, knees, wrists, that sort of thing. Rather like what was done to your Christ.”

Amanpour: “Who…? Oh,…yes. Him. Do you wear gloves? Concerns have been raised about…well, I’m sure you are sensitive on this but I have to ask. There is AIDS, you know.”

HT: “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You funny. AIDS is made up in labs in Maryland to infect your slave class. Besides, faggot-boys we kill with stones. Sometime we send you video, OK? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. “

Amanpour: “How long did it take to perfect your drilling technique?”

HT: “Not long. We have many, many test subjects. We do research, compare notes. We’ve found out it isn’t the size of the holes, but how many and where we drill. One man we tried out gave us several days of pleasure, we played almost72 holes. Then Fakoud punctured his jugular drilling through the ear canal from the other side of his head. Messy, messy. “

Amanpour: “Can we see the video?”

HT: “No. We are most ashamed of this. Fakoud begin laughing so hard he bump into cameraman, drop video in blood catchment basin. All ruined. Fakoud demoted to goat fucker again. Um, keep this just between us…?”

Amanpour: “Oh, that goes without saying. This is important journalism. We need access.”