Domestic Spying & the Bracelet People

How the use of computer programs to zero in on keywords and phrases like “Death to them all!” and “Blow them all up” and “Slaughter their children too “, digitally plucked from phone calls made by nasty people outside our borders, to nasty people inside our borders can, with straight faces, be called “domestic spying”, rises to the credibility of cattle abductions and crop mutilations. I have an offer for the “Stop the Domestic Spying” crowd: a Do Not Protect Me list. Like do not call lists, the Do Not Protect Me list will shield its signers from affronts to manners, library records seizures, mispronounced words, mean spirits and bad smells. " If mean words or fierce looks uncovered any intelligence about potential attacks, Do not protect me! Sign here: _____. Except after I have been killed, and then only accidentally, Do not protect me! sign here : _____. Bush Lied! I don’t need no stinkin’ protection. Do not protect me! Sign here:_____. War? We’re not at war. Do not protect me. Sign here: ______.” Special colored bracelets will be distributed. Each DNP signer gets a yellow bracelet with the name of a terrorist, “My terrorist is_______”. Each terrorist (found through d******* s****g) , gets a bracelet,pigeon-blood red, emblazoned, “ My human sacrifice is_______”. The “My Human sacrifice is______” bracelets come with the pictures, phone numbers, addresses, places of work, names & ages of children and GPS location of their sponsoring Yellow bracelet on a micro chip embedded in the plastic. A GPS compatible chip goes into the neck of each person with the yellow, “My terrorist is______” , bracelets. Like ID chips in cats and dogs it can be scanned to confirm identity, either head’s on or head’s off. (Special note to the “My human sacrifice is______” participants. Where the scanner readout says ‘cat’ or ‘dog’, think ‘sheep’.)

There are problems with this idea. Difficulties. Sticky places.

The Red Bracelet people are 7th century butchers. They will kill anyone. Difficulty. The Yellow Bracelet people are slogan chanting, slippery languaged, identity politics types with superior caring skills. Sticky. How can these two groups meet up for a tearful, cheerful embrace? Will the terrorists restrain themselves until then? Modify their behavior? Play nice? Wait for the sheep with chips and necks willing to the knife? So far they’ve been punctually indiscriminate with slaughter. And what about the Code Pinkers, World Can’t Waiters and all other acolytes, adepts, minions, and proselytes of the orders of Sister Sheehan the Deranged? Can they be diverted from their war on America into a rapprochement with serious evil? Maybe. Both the yellow bracelets and red bracelets are media whores. Would a Survivor: Red Bracelet Tribe-Yellow Bracelet Tribe television reality show help them find each other? Or a remake of the Qatar’s of San Francisco? Probably not.

The real problem is logistical. The Yellow Bracelet people are over here. The Red Bracelet people are not over here. (Not that I know of personally, but if I were a betting man...) And though our soldiers and Marines have been killing the Red Bracelet bastards in droves, there doesn’t seem to be a local source of Red Bracelet people springing up so shooting, filming can start here. Just as well. And I’d as soon not import terrorists, no sense in that. But sincethe “Violence never solved anything” policy approach has gotten nothing like rigorous testing under demanding conditions, not to mention serious field trials, the “Support the Troops, Bring them Home Now” approach begins to look better and better. A match made in Madison. We’ll send the Yellow Bracelet, DNPer’s abroad, armed with their slogans and outfitted with signs. We can trade them for our guys; it needn’t even be one to one. We could probably exchange at a rate no worse than one to four. Mother Sheehan herself might return an entire brigade. This seems only proper to me. Exchange the ones most upset that we’ve got our military out somewheres else in the world for the military itself. They Yellow Bracelets don’t want to be protected. They’re upset we’ve got our best people in the world doing just that. Switch 'em out. Trade four perfectly good, exquisitely lethal Marine rifleman, for one skinny, DNPer outfitted with his yellow bracelet, a couple of nice signs and a few “I’m Sorry” t-shirts. Yes, I know trading some yellow bracelets for the Devil Dogs might seem a lop sided exchange; the skill sets of the former can be learned on any Saturday before the 10:00AM march. Each Marines has 210 years of tradition working for him. The gains however will be exponential. First we gain increased unity at home, and much more solid resolve. Secondly, the metric, “killing the terrorists just makes more terrorists” changes, by magic. Our soldiers want to live. The terrorists want to die. Soldiers & Marines kill terrorists; this makes both fewer terrorists for us, and more terrorists for the Yellow Bracelet people. And when the terrorists who want to die, go after Yellow Bracelet people who also want to di…uh don’t want to be protected, this ought to create fewer and fewer terrorists, until they just vanish. At the very worst, it should leave them with a stack of signs they won’t be able to make sense of either, and a lot of “I’m sorry” t-shirts. " Places everyone. Quiet on the set."